The way Twilight SHOULD be
by GWTWTNME
Summary: This is a story that my friend who's pen-name is Bethy Ramone and I write when on IM it's what we think should happen in Twilight. Please don't hate us. This is my second FF and her first. Bold is me, regular is Bethy Ramone. Review!
1. Chapter 1

This is it

This is it. The big day.

**This is the day that i've been waiting for. It is the day that I will finally get to hit Jacob with a base ball bat**

Because I'm a stupid desperate girl named Bella who doesn't appreciate Jacob's awesomeness.

**pssh ya right and i have multiple personality disorder and so sometimes i like jacob (when i'm being stupid) and sometimes I luuuuv Edward (i only ever liked Jacob cuz of his bod)**

And because he's funny and daring and Native American and cool and A WEREWOLF!

**Except vampires are better. Anyway, moving on!! I suppose you're wondering why I'm going to hit him with a base ball bat.**

It's because he was making fun of me. You see, instead of fingers on my hand, I have toes instead.

**Yes it's true! I plucked off my fingers and toes and switched them around! Then, I ate my left arm cuz i REALLY hate wearing that stupid ring (even though I luv Eddiepoo and want to have FUN with him)**

But I heard from my evil twin, Count Olaf, that Edward is cheating on me with Bill.

**Wait! I don't know who Bill is! Edward, don't leave me! We haven't even tried yet! (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink)**

"I'm sorry Bella" he said, picking his nose. "But Billy is more of a man. And I need that in my life."

**"NO EDDIE!! I CAN'T BEAR IT!! WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO NEVER LEAVING ME?"**

"Oh I followed it into a drak alley, cornered it behind some dumpsters, then beat it to a pulp. The I grabbed a frying pan and beat it unconscious. The I tied bricks to it's feet and rented a boat. Then I went to shark infested waters of the deepest depths of the ocean and dropped it overboard."

**"Wait-- Edward, what the hell are you talking about? HOLD UP, ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR VIRGINITY?"**

But it was too late. Edward jumped onto Billy's wheelchair and they rode off together, leaving me behind.

**"NO!!" I howled to the sky. Just then, I noticed something standing behind me-- Mike Newton. I ran to him and started making out with his left earlobe**

Then he said. "Watch ya doin foo? Get out from my gril gold digga! Watcha tryin ta do, pop my shizzle?!"

**"WTF, Mike? Are you trying to be a Wangsta? Well, we should give you a Wangsta-name, like Mike-n-ike!!"**

Then he took me into his arms and looked me in the eyes. "Sarah..." he whispered, his eyes watering.

**"Whoa, homie? Who the fudgems is Sarah?" I cried. "Nobody loves me and I'm going to be a spinster**


	2. Chapter 2

Then Mike ran after Billy and Edward, yelling curses at me

Then Mike ran after Billy and Edward, yelling curses at me.

**Then he turned into a werewolf and was pink and frilly and had a polka-dot bow on his tail**

And of course, Jacob was still there for meh!

**Yes. And then, Edward turned back, and jumped off Billy's wheel chair. He ran back to me, and said, "Bella, un-love, do you know where Alice is?"**

And I was all like, "you ignorant slug! How dare you. How DARE you?!"

**"WTF are you talking about? I just need to see Alice. Not my sister, the person who's writing this story (along with her awesome friend who jacob loves)."**

I pointed to a beautiful tall blonde, wearing a long, flowing purple gown. "She's right over there. Jerk."

**So then he ran over to her and swept her into his arms, and pulled her into a passionate embrace. I felt my jaw hit the muddy ground.**

Then Jacob was like, "you know what Bella? I'm too good for you. Klutz" he grinned at me. I could feel my cheeks burning red.

**And then he went to Bethy Ramone and said, "Babe, i hope brian has another girlfriend available because i am stealing you from him. Mwahahahaha!"**

I cried, because i'm Bella and I'm stupid. then I ran home to Charlie, who was making out with Sam. So I joined in.

**"Yay! Make-out party! Who do i get to make out with?" then Charlie pointed to Rosalie, who was sitting there smearing bright red lipstick on her gigantic botoxed lips and grinning at me. **

I giggled then leaped into her open arms, which crushed my ribcage. I then had to go to the emergency room.

**Carlisle was there, and he gave me a bottle of Polyjuice potion and then I left looking like Alice (the one who wrote this) because i was going to attempt to win edward back.**


	3. Chapter 3

But of course inside I was still ugly

But of course inside I was still ugly.

**And so I cried and wet myself.**

But luckily i was wearing pampers so I was a big girl.

**I then decided that i wanted a new kind of diper**

So I went to shoppers

**at shoppers i bought diapers and then i threw all the eggs at the store at a random volvo in the parking lot.**

"YOU " I screamed, snot flaring from my nostrils.

**"What the hell are you doing to my car, you bitch?! Go fudge up your own 2 volvo! I paid good money for this thing!" an 80 year old woman yelled at me, throwing some pot joints at me.**

I ducked and then I realized I'm petrified of ducks so I ran screaming.

**Then, I picked up the pot joints and lit them with some gas-- you know what kind i'm talking about? (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, again)**

Then I slapped myself just for the "thrill". (nudge nudge)

**The 80 year old suddenly looked like some sexxi gorgeous 20 year old model, and so i kissed her lots**

And lots. And lots. Then it started to get a little freaky. IF, you know what I mean.

**Ya so then i pushed her down a man hole and i heard the leprecauns swarm her and crunch on her bones.**

I screamed, tears falling from my mouth. "WHY OH MIGHTY KONG, WHY?!"

**Then I heard a great voice shake the ground. But then I realized that I had just farted REALLY loud.**

And it started to smell. REALLY bad, so I ran away, again.

**And then I walked into a random house with an old rusty white jeep out front, and there on the couch, was Edward and Alice (the author) making out. (alice says yay!)**

And also Bethy and Jacob, both being werewolves, were there too. And they were perfect for each other.

**And then, AAlice (I'll call her that to clear up the confusion) said, "Bella, I think someone is waiting for you outside." so I went outside and then into a random treehouse that was there and staring at me was...**

THE FIRE MONSTER! "RAWR!"

**"Oh! Sexxi! Let's have a fire monster party!"**

And together, we made fire monster babies.

**And they all tripped over stuff and burned down the treehouse with them inside it, so they and the daddy died and I was all on my own again.**

So instead I tried going out with a water monster.

**but then he tried to kill me like everyone else seems to do. So me and Jessica started dating. Ahhh, Jessica.**

That silly, lovely, sexay girl. She r my homieg. But shes a little too dependant sometimes...

**but it brings out my inner-man. So i love her and want to do dirty things to her.**

MANY dirty things... like gardening!

**And cleaning toilets!**

And 69's!!...

**Right now, you want to know what we're gon doo?**

DO YA? DO YA? Or not, that fine too, I don't mind.

**Well, you'd better guess, cuz i'm not gon tell u!**

Yup! We'll just sit here, and chat!

**chat about where we're going to adopt a baby from-- but Angelina Jolie's got dibs on all of the good ones...**

Haha. I want an Irish baby

**Yes. that would be nice. But Jessica's from bloody England so we have to get an asian baby**

Oh yes thats right. What a pitty...

**Oh well. We can just adopt AAlice's little annoying sister.**

ROFL. Ya AAlice's little sister, Bob, is annoying.

**Her name is really Saminta and she's the demon's first born.**

rofl is correct.

**So we're going to steal her away from AAlice. And AAlice will pay us mucho dinero!!**

I dont speak spanish. Non parle vou on espaniol!

**I said, A LOT OF MONEY!!**

I LOVE MONEY!

**Yes, Jessica, money is good.**

I'm your mother!

**What? Jessica, this is a new side i've never seen before!**

I'm prego... again!

**Jessica, how could you do this to me i thought we had something special!**


	4. Chapter 4

"It's going to be an it

"It's going to be an it."

**"Oh, Jess, that's wonderful! Who's the father?"**

"Your mother! Whahaha!"

**"Jess, you traitor i'm leaving you for Sam Uley!'**

"NO! But his you-know-what is so tiny?! How, COULD YOU?!"

**"It's bigger than your dad's, or mike's, so i don't see why you care... "**

"Because I'm special!" Then Jessica left me too.

**I screamed at her retreating back, "Ha you can't leave me because I already left you!" In my screaming rage, I hardly noticed that all of a sudden, AAlice and Edward were standing next to me, laughing at me**

And so were Bethy and Jacob, who were making out at the same time.

**And then I sneezed, and snot flew out of my ear, so I cried and ran back to my house.**

Then I cut myself and wrote some poetry

**About dead people and how I wished I were dead, but then I decided that I couldn't kill myself, because I cut off both of my arms and so I couldn't hold a gun.**

So instead I jumped in a pool of lava. YAY!!

**And then I burned to a crisp and then I smelled like barbeque so Jacob ate me.**

And in a very sexy fashion. VERY sexy fashion.

**But not as sexxi as Eddiepoo**

Sure, sure. coughNot!cough

**And then AAlice beat Bethy to a pulp because Edward is a million times sexxier tan the pup.**

Then I, Bella Swan, became... IRON WOMAN! (white trash version)

**And then I watched as AAlice hooked up with seth and left my tasty and yummy Edward**

so I ate him all up. In a very sexual manner

**of course. And then I regurgitated him. "Edward... I love you. Come back to me."**

But he was all like, "OMG no way sista. You gun be eatn meh up like dat? Nuh uh!"

**"Oh, but Edward, I regurgitated you! So that means I love u more than I want to eat you! (which is verry much, BTW...)"**

But still he was all like, "wtf r u lyk, nsan? u bg fat ho! u go n dy btch!"

**"well bstrd, you can fkn die too! U gon get all up in my grill with that bllsht? I don't fkn think so!"**

And after that, I couldn't understand what he was saying so Itried to "have my way with" him.

**Oh, and boy, did i have my way!**

But you see, I am blind so I didn't know that I was doing Esme

**and then she was like, "oh baby this is akward... akwardly enjoyable!"**

And I was like, "Your not Edward!" But I kept goin!

**And then Edward ran in and screamed so loud that i could see again, and then he pulled me off and said, "my jelousy has consumed me and so now i will take you back**

"Yay!" i exclaimed, jumping into his arms

**he then proceeded to give me my demand even though we weren't married... fun...**

But painful. VERY VERY painful

**so painful that i could not feel my overly large big toe**

Which is on my hand!

**Duh! weren't you paying attention to the story of my tragedy?**

WHY DON'T U LISTEN?! WHY DONT YOU TELL ME I'M PRETTY?!

**Now i'm going to go cry in my emo corner and write depressing emo poetry:**

My life is like a box of chocolates.  
Everyone takes a bite out of me  
to see if I'm coconut flavored  
And if I am, they throw me out

**Crack! I hear my heart break  
Splash! I hear my blood hit the ground.  
Slam! I feel you close your heart to mine.  
Why do you do this?  
I may never know.**

Ok I'm done now.

**Sigh... emo poetry sure is good for my ripped up, mangled, bloody, discarded soul that is going to be taken soon if i can somehow manage to convince someone that it is a good idear to keep me around for eternity... not likely!**

Especially not Edward. He's so mean and heartless. He really has no soul. He only thinks about himself. He never risks his life for anyone!

**He's not worthy of me. But i will keep him anyway. You know, i was talking to someone today, and they said that Eddie cannot get a boner. What a bloody liar!! I'VE GOT THE EXPERIENCE! WHAT DO THEY FKN KNOW? WHY AM I GOING INTO A SCREAMING RAGE OVER THIS? I THINK I AM BIPOLAR!!**

**my parents told me today that they think i'm bipolar**

**like i said on my profile... you learn new things every day!**

Anyway, I decided I should join the La Push cliff diving team.

**because that shit is fun stuff!**

theres a lot of people there. Mostly emos like me.

**and emos are a lot of fun... they taught me the emo song!**

And this is how it goes!  
bum, bum, bum...

**E's for emotional; ruins everybody's day,  
M is for miserable people;  
O is for on the dark side, cuz we have some fresh cookies;  
COOKIES!  
WHOO!**

**courtesy of... How To Be Emo on YouTube- go watch it!**

Hallelujah for you tube! PRAISE THE BABY JESUS!

**I LUVVV you tube and so i'm breaking up with eddiepoo to marry it... IT'S AN IT!!**

So will my baby! I'm due in 2 months!

**Um... make that 2 days...**

no, two hours...

**actually... IT'S FKN COMING OUT!!**

OMG!! No wait, I just had to take a poopie.

**and my baby died, so...**

oops! Oh well.

**So now that my baby's dead, i'm going to have an abortion!**

And then I'm gonna feed it to my evil pony

**And then I'm going to feed YOU to my evil pony! and then i'm gonna feed my evil pony to my evil pony!**

And then the whole world will follow!

**And then I will float away into outerspace where i will slowly suffer a lack of oxygen, where, eventually, I will stop breathing altogether ... oh well, it's not like anyone cares!**

And besides, my pony will have eaten them anyway!

**yay!! i like it when my pony eats things **

especially people! evil laugh

**yay... i like evil laughing**

Evil laughing is good for the evil soul

**which is about to be terminated: i found a vampire willing to trasform me!**

Her name is Eliza! (see Bethy Ramone's story)

**YAY!! I love that girl! She's so beautiful... and sexxi, and totally is hooked up with Seth now and forever more... she and AAlice will have to fight for him...**

Yes because Seth imprinted on her. Which is purdy amazing

**Wait... imprinted on which one, other personality?**

Wait. Seth imprinted on Eliza

**Ok. Thank you, smart other personality who i shall now call Stella.**

**Stella Bella! yay! my bfffl, Lindsay has a cat named stella just cuz it rhymes with bella**

And you will be... Barthalemew

**YAY!! Stella and Barthalemew make BELLA!! that's our celebrity couple name!**

WOO HOO! does a dance

**I'm now going to make out with stella... yay! masturbation time!!**

NO!!exclimatiionmark!!

**fine stella, you meanie**

ROFL my waffles baby. Rofl my waffles.

**oh you know i will.**

WOO HOO! prepares waffles to be rofled

**wow we will have no more readers after this... FANS DON'T GO!!**

WE WUV U!!

**rofl's stella's waffles whoo, that was funn!**

Yay! eats rofled waffles

**I am now going to watch the Twilight trailer. It's this new movie that's coming out in December YAY! **

**I wish something like that would happen to me, Bella, who is alone and friendless in this world.**

where do you go to find it, Barthalemew?

**you would find it on **** of which AAlice is a member; her name is twilightroxmysox which is very similar to her email... yay!**


	5. Chapter 5 The END!

20 days later

20 days later...  
I stood on La Push's cliff, bricks tied to my feet

**It was time for me to do something that should have been done a long time ago.**

I was gonna kill mehself

**I was going to free Stella and Barthalemew so that they could reign the earth and become the reign-ers.**

And I, a lonely spirit in the sky.

**But I would be free. At last. To do whatever I want, like...**

Be a princess!

**And ride, Pinkie-Pie, my favorite My Little Pony.**

ANYWAY, I sighed as a tear rolled down my cheek.

**It fell from the cliffs, floating down until it joined the waters below. And then, magic rays flew from it and the spirit of Hyrule decended upon me, begging me to save Zelda. **

And that my friends, is how babies are made.

**Yep. It's an exact science, and you have to know everything. Like what medevil people used for condoms.**

THE END...??

**NOOO! i still have to say what they used!**

ok then

**My vigorous readers, in Medevil times, animal bladders were tied on with twine. And it was illegal to have the woman on top. (info from history channel documentary, "The History of Sex")**

**And that, my friends, my comrades, my annoyed readers, is the end. Of my story. Of my life. Of the world.**

Thank you, my avid readers. If you ever finished this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Bethy Ramone and I were just messing around, and if you aren't too scarred for life, I hope that you'll maybe read some of our other stories. Sorry if it got too weird at some parts. Writing a story with your friend sentence by sentence is truly unpredictable. Thank you again, for sticking with us until the end. If you did. Please review and tell us what you thought. GRACIAS MI AMIGAS FAVORITAS. ME GUSTA TODOS MIS LECTORES! (Thanks, my best friends. I like all of my readers.)


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